ARTICLE: Distance from spouse changes with time

[Murray Charters <mcharters@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx>]

ARTICLE: Distance from spouse changes with time

By Donald M. Murray, Globe Correspondent, 1/13/2004

It was one of those casual conversations that appeared to be just one 
insignificant thread in the weaving of a new
relationship. One of us remarked about the importance of distance in a close 
friendship or marriage.

It was early in our evolving friendship and neither of us had any idea we would 
be married in 11 months. Yet in talking
about a friend's marriage, Minnie Mae said she would continue to work if she 
ever got married. It was 1951 and that was
an issue. Most husbands expected their wives to stay home, as my father had 
demanded of my mother.

I didn't give the issue much thought. If a married woman wanted to keep 
working, fine. Husbands should have their own
lives and so should wives. I even remember us commenting -- about others, of 
course -- that distance was important for
intimacy and true togetherness.

To no one's surprise but our own we got married and developed our independence 
as jobs changed, children arrived, and
the distance essential to a good marriage evolved naturally.

I have given this a great deal of thought 53 years later as age and illness 
change what had seemed, to me, an
unchangeable weave of independence and dependence.

We are not as independent now as each of us imagined we were. Parkinson's 
disease has made Minnie Mae dependent on me,
and her dependence has eliminated my independence as well as hers. Caring for 
her is not a duty, an obligation, or a
responsibility, but something closer that is hard to name. We do what we can 
for each other, always have, always will.

The doing, as each caregiver and care receiver knows, changes the long familiar 
distances on which our marriage grew.

The kitchen, for example, was Minnie Mae's territory, although I had cooked 
before our marriage. Now making supper
takes both of us, checking on each other. Soon, I know I will be the cook. New 
challenges, new duties, new
opportunities.

I first became aware of how much deeper it is than simply who is in the kitchen 
when Minnie Mae refused, resisted, or
delayed taking her pills. Suddenly, I was parent and nurse as well as lover and 
companion. She had to take her
increasing number of medications every 2 1/2 hours during the day. And each 
time, she delayed or complained or stated
she was not going to take any more pills.

I heard my voice change. It was not the voice of a loving husband, but that of 
the military policeman I once had been.
The distance between us changed. No understanding, little sympathy -- I took 
more pills than Minnie Mae -- no debate,
no excuses. Now take your pills. Was I giving a command to my wife, something I 
had never dared do in the 50 years
before? I heard the voice I used in speaking to my children and many a drunken 
paratrooper.

I love Minnie Mae deeply and mourn for her Parkinson's, but I am always ready, 
like the zoom lens of a camera, to
adjust the distance, stand back, command, not console.

SOURCE: Boston Globe, MA


* * *

----------------------------------------------------------------------
To sign-off Parkinsn send a message to: mailto:listserv@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
In the body of the message put: signoff parkinsn