a selection of messages about suicide / rant continued ...

[janet paterson <janet313@xxxxxxxxxxx>]

";

this page has been one of the most freqently 'hit'
single subject pages on my site

and now the
jant rant continues:

if only ...
i might have ...
maybe we should've ...

i have heard of too many pd-related suicides
it's giving pd a bad name

as a veteran of 12 years of pd [as diagnosed]
and 10 years of cd [as diagnosed]
i tend to think that cd is the more insidious

at least with pd and sinemet
there's a little relief in the symptoms
good hard evidence of a little light at the end of the tunnel now and again

with cd my thinking becomes so negative,
that i can't imagine any other way or time or being;
i can't imagine anything; i can barely think at all

being a parkie doesn't mean i can't be perky at the same time

being in cd can make me feel worse than
if i had ms, pd, als, psp, and msa combined
and  [this is the real kicker]
even if i had none of the above

cd sucks the joy and the possibility
out of every single aspect and moment of life

cd causes 'paralysis of will' which imho is profoundly
more debilitating than pd

cd distorts and twists ordinary thinking patterns
into downward spiraling and self perptuating
doom and gloom prophesies
[which are way beyond the reach of any ideas about 'bootstraps']
viz my little attempt at a scriptlette:
[help me out here, carole, huh?]

"research? it'll be a cold day in hell ..."
"mjf? he's just in it for the sympathy ..."
"hope? are you nuts?" "they are all blowing hot air"
"forum?  what's the use .. the nih is just a cash hog"
"no, i just can't bear the idea of having to see a shrink"
"there's never going to be a cure ... don't waste my time"
"i'll never figure out this dsse form ... i can't concentrate ...
bernie is crazy if he thinks i'm going to spend all day filling in all this 
stuff" ...
"i will never get any better - it's hopeless"
"no, i don't want to talk to anyone, take a message"
"so what if i haven't been out of the house in a month ...
there's nothing out there i haven't seen before ... i don't want to go out"
"i can't stop wanting to cry ... what a fool i am ..."
"the men in the white coats are going to come get me if i let on..."
"this new med will never work so there's no point in trying it..."
"maybe i'll get out of bed tomorrow, i can't face anything today..."
"... i forgot my meds again, what's the point ... "
"why can't i get myself out of this? i must be losing my mind ... "
"this pain is unbearable already and it keeps getting worse ..."
"all my friends have deserted me... they can't stand me anymore ..."
"... i can't stand me anymore ..."

and on and on ad nauseum
and eventually to utter despair
and ultimately maybe to suicide


we are hoping against hope for a cure for pd
imagine having a cure for it right now
maybe even for the past five years
and hardly anyone is taking it
because of toxic shame
and society stereotypically saying
there's nothing wrong with you that a little willpower won't fix

boggles the mind...

jant
done for mow

janet paterson
53 now / 41 dx / 37 onset
613 256 8340 / PO Box 171 Almonte Ontario K0A 1A0 Canada
visit my website "a new voice" at: ";