NOT PD (fear not-no Clintonesque ending)Hades restructures. Humor

[Bruce Anderson <bbanderson@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>]

>Subject: Hades restructures.
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>Business news:                                    13 October 1998
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>CITY OF DIS, NETHER HELL--After nearly four years of construction
>at an estimated cost of 750 million souls, Corpadverticus, the
>new tenth circle of Hell, finally opened its doors Monday.
>
>The US West-sponsored circle, located in Nether Hell between the
>former eighth and ninth levels of Malebolge and Cocytus, is
>expected to greatly alleviate the overcrowding problems that have
>plagued the infernal underworld in recent years. The circle is
>the first added to Hell in its countless-millennia history.
>
>"A nightmarishly large glut of condemned spirits in recent years
>necessitated the expansion of Hell," inferno spokesperson
>Antedeus said. "The traditional nine-tiered system had grown
>insufficient to accommodate the exponentially rising numbers of
>Hellbound." Adding to the need for expansion, Antedeus said, was
>the fact that a majority of the new arrivals possessed souls far
>more evil than the original nine circles were equipped to handle.
>
>"Demographers, advertising executives, tobacco lobbyists,
>monopoly-law experts retained by major corporations, and
>creators of office-based sitcoms--these new arrivals represent a
>wave of spiritual decay and horror the likes of which Hell has
>never before seen," Antedeus said.
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>Despite the need for expansion, the plan faced considerable
>resistance, largely due to the considerable costs of insuring
>construction projects within the Kingdom Of Lies. Opposition also
>came from Hell purists concerned about the detrimental effect a
>tenth level would have on the intricate numerology of Hell's
>meticulously arranged allegorical structure. In 1994, however,
>funding was finally secured in a deal brokered between US West
>CEO Sol Trujillo and Satan himself.
>
>Prior to the construction of the tenth circle, many among the new
>wave of sinners had been placed in such circles as Hoarders and
>Squanderers, Sowers of Discord, Flatterers and Seducers, Violent
>Against Art, and Hypocrites. Hell authorities, however, say that
>the new level, the Circle of Total Bastards, located at the site
>of the former Well of Giants just above the Frozen Lake at Hell's
>center, better suits their insidious brand of evil.
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>Frigax The Vile, a leading demonic presence, is one of the most
>vocal supporters of the new circle.
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>"In the past, the underworld was ill-equipped to handle the new
>breed of sinners flooding our gates--downsizing CEOs, focus-group
>coordinators, telemarketing sales representatives, and vast
>hordes of pony-tailed entertainment-industry executives
>rollerblading and talking on miniaturized cell-phones at the same
>time. But now, we've finally got the sort of top-notch Pits of
>Doom necessary to give such repellent abominations the quality
>boilings they deserve."
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>Pausing to tear off the limbs of an Access Hollywood host, Frigax
>added, "We're all tremendously excited about the many brand-new
>forms of torture and eternal pain this new level's state-of-the-
>art facilities will make possible."
>
>Among the tortures the Corpadverticus Circle of Total Bastards
>boasts: the Never-Ending Drive-Thru Bank, the Vertigo of Re-
>Engineering, the Bottomless Pit of Promotional Tie-In Keychains,
>and the dreaded Chamber of Emotionally Manipulative Home Shopping
>Network Products.
>
>The Circle also features a Hall of Aerobics, where condemned TV-
>exercise-show personalities, clad in skintight Spandex outfits
>soaked in flesh-dissolving acid, are forced to exercise for
>centuries on end, covered in vomit and prodded with the distended
>ribs of skeletal, anorexic demons, accompanied by an unending,
>ear-splittingly loud dance-remix version of the 1988 Rick Astley
>hit "Together Forever."
>
>In a nearby area, corporate raiders are forced to carry the golf
>clubs of uneducated Hispanic migrant workers from hole to hole
>for eternity, withering under a constant barrage of verbal abuse
>from their former subservients as crows descend from trees to
>peck at their eyes. In one of the deepest and most profane
>portions of the circle, unspeakable acts are committed with mail-
>order catalogs.
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>"In life, I was a Salomon Brothers investment banker," one flame-
>blackened shade told reporters. "When I arrived here, they didn't
>know what to do with me. They put me in with those condemned to
>walk backwards with their heads turned all the way around on
>their necks, for the crime of attempting to see the future. But
>then I sent a couple of fruit baskets to the right people, and in
>no time flat, I secured a cushy spot for myself in the first
>circle of the Virtuous Unbaptized. Now that was a sweet deal. But
>before long, they caught on to my game and transferred me here to
>the realm of Total Bastards. I've been shrieking for goddamn
>mercy ever since."
>
>His face contorted in the Misery of the Damned, a Disney lawyer
>said: "It's hell here--there are no executive lounges, I can't
>get any decent risotto, and the suit I have to wear is a cheap
>Brooks Brothers knockoff. I'm beeped every 30 seconds, and
>there's no way to return the calls. Plus, I'm being boiled upside
>down in lard while jackals gnaw at the soles of my feet. If I
>could just reach the fax machine on that nearby rock, I could
>contact some well-placed associates and work something out, but
>it's just out of my grasp, and it's out of ink and constantly
>blinking the message, `Replace Toner Cartridge, Replace Toner
>Cartridge, Replace Toner Cartridge.'" He then resumed screaming
>in agony.
>
>Grogar The Malefic, a Captain in Hell's elite Demon Corps and
>supervisor in charge of admissions for the new circle, said
>Hell's future looks bright, thanks to the new circle. "Things are
>definitely looking up," Grogar said. "We're now far better
>equipped, and we're ready to take on the most Unholy Atrocities
>humanity has to offer."
>
>"We're really on the grow down here," Grogar added. "This is an
>exciting time to be in Hell."
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