re-post: perceptions / list kefuffle

[janet paterson <janet313@xxxxxxxxxxx>]

hi all

in going back digging for that rose lane quote
i came across this
it all sounds eerily familiar

janet


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     Date:  1997/07/14
     Subj:  perceptions / list kefuffle

     dear cyber-siblings

     for those who don't know me very well
     i use the term 'siblings' consciously and deliberately
     this group has great importance to me as an extended family

     i live on an island with a population of 55,000
     [ed. note: until december 1997]
     and have never met another parkie
     [ed. note: until january 1998]
     let alone a support group
     so 'you lot' are it

     since october 1995
     when i was privileged to join this ethereal family
     i have:
     posted daily at times
     posted infrequently at times
     lurked for months at a stretch
     all depending on my own circumstances and my own energy levels

     i deal with parkinson's disease [pd]
     as well as with clinical depression [cd]
     and at times, i think cd is the harder battle

     when my thinking
     is bright and clear
     my sense of self is strong
     my sense of humour is at its goofiest
     my inherent natural joy in life is in top form
     and my tolerance for the actions of others is at its most generous

     when i am caught
     in the Grey Cloud [GC]
     of Clinical Depression [CD]
     or other Similarly Laden Internalized Modes of Expression [SLIME!]
     my thinking becomes
     consistently negative
     my sense of self is muddied
     the joy in life doesn't exist
     [and never did, and never will return]
     there is little in this wide world and dark to laugh at
     and there are very few people out there
     [a] who are worth my attention and
     [b] who would ever feel i was worthy of their attention

     this kind of murky thinking grows slowly and insidiously
     and feeds on itself in a slippery downward spiral

     i know it intimately

     the hardest work i've done in the past few years
     is learn to recognize it
     for what it is

     once i realize what's going on
     a little crack appears in the overhead gloom
     and then it's 'just' a matter of consciously working
     at reversing the downhill slide by whatever means necessary

     for me
     the epiphany
     in this struggle was
     suddenly learning that i had a choice in my emotional reactions

     that these dank cobwebby veils of negative emotion
     were hanging all around me
     because i allowed them to

     that is not to say
     that i'm 'guilty' of causing my own murk

     rather
     i comprehend that i have a conscious choice
     and in using that choice
     there is strength

     our society's brain-washing-staining includes a chronic tendency
     to look at things through a lens of confrontation

     life and its challenges are tackled
     from the narrow perspective of
     either / or
     all or nothing
     my way or the highway
     if something's wrong, someone must be blamed
     and on and on

     from a distant viewpoint
     i believe this approach results
     in global confrontations like bosnia, belfast, et al

     from a close viewpoint
     i believe this approach results
     in personal problems like family estrangement

     i know that intimately too

     i have an inherent distaste for any kind of censorship
     and would resist any attempt to restrict
     my own voice

     where am i going with all this?

     voice -
     i demand the right to my own voice

     choice -
     i can choose how i feel and react to individuals and their actions

     confront -
     all of society [including me] are conditioned to confrontation

     if my re-actions are coloured by my negative choice
     then i'm doomed to confrontation and censorship
     as coping techniques

     if my re-actions are coloured by my positive choice
     then the conditioning comes under question
     and voices are heard

     i had a hard time
     wrapping my brain around the idea
     that i have a choice in how i react to things
     including how i react emotionally;

     this helped:

            ---------------------------------------------------
                                as novices
                  we think we're entirely responsible for
                          the way people treat us

                      i have long since learned that
                        we are responsible only for
                          the way we treat people

                                 rose lane
            ---------------------------------------------------

     i think this concept has been wonderfully demonstrated
     by the incredible people on this list
     in the range of re-actions posted
     in regard to jeanne's message 'get a clue'

     jeanne was obviously 'spilling' a lot of anger and frustration

     as a 'receiver' i could have reacted with:

     anger, and interpreted her words as
     out of line and insulting; or

     fear, and interpreted her words as
     a personal attack; or

     acceptance, and interpreted her words as
     her opinion, nothing more, nothing less; or

     empathy, and interpreted her words as
     her expression of frustration;

     whatever;
     but it is my choice now
     i am no longer at the mercy of the tempest

     no person or thing can 'make' me feel anything
     my emotions are my own

     i can choose to see the cup as half empty
     and worry about what i don't have
     or
     i can choose to see the cup as half full
     and enjoy what i have

     it's still the same cup
     but my outlook is not

     i can choose to see jeanne's or ken's or whoever's messages
     as annoying or as communication
     they are still the same messages
     but my outlook is not

     i can choose to see the volume of messages on the list
     as an overwhelming burden or as generous sharing
     the volume is still the same
     but my outlook is not

     janet

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janet paterson
52 now / 41 dx / 37 onset
613 256 8340 po box 171 almonte ontario canada K0A 1A0
a new voice: <>
<janet313@xxxxxxxxxxx>